My First Coming-Out Experience

 

     Two grueling weeks later my missionary companion and I headed to João Pessoa for the bi-annual mission conference. After the sermons, I mustered the courage to talk with my Mission President in private. My heart was racing furiously but I knew what had to be done. As soon as I stepped into his office, I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. I quickly began sobbing before I could even sit down. I wiped away my tears and tried to compose myself as I got to the point. I explained how sorry I was that I could no longer carry on with my mission because of my same-sex attractions and unbearable depression. He asked if I had been honest about my celibacy during previous interviews. I answered with an honest “yes” and that I would stay that way. Compassionately, he told me I should continue on my mission and God would look after me because of my faithfulness to Him. He made me feel same-sex attraction was common and it could be overcome if I continued to serve the Lord diligently. He set up a time for me to speak with my Stake President back home. During that phone call, my Stake President read me some passages from The Book of Mormon regarding missionary work. He told me to be like "Captain Moroni" who was a courageous military commander. He then asked if I remembered raising my arm to the square while promising to finish my mission honorably. I said that I did and that I would do everything I could to keep my promise. He wished me God’s blessing and that was the end of the conversation.

     Talking with my Mission President and Stake President about my sexual attraction somehow eased my depression. At the same time, they were undoubtedly the most petrifying experiences of my life! It was the first time I had ever told anyone that I was gay! It took a near suicide for me to break down and tell someone. This was the beginning of my coming out experience; even though I was still petrified that anyone would discover my secret, it was my first step toward self-acceptance.