The Cure

 

     Two years after my mission, my depression worsened significantly. I was fighting my sexual feelings constantly until one night I broke down crying while talking with my father—I was depressed, suicidal, and angry at myself. Somehow he guessed why I was crying. He showed a sense of sincere compassion as he grabbed my hand and cried with me. While it was a comforting response at the time, it also made me feel as if I had been stricken with a dreadful disease. My same-sex attraction was “unnatural” and I must be “treated” and “cured.” My father decided I should talk to my Bishop. My Bishop then advised me to remain celibate until I marry a woman one day. Only marriage between a man and a woman in the Mormon temple is how I can be reunited with God after I die. That is what I had been taught my whole life.

     I was then quickly sent to see a licensed family therapist, who was also a Mormon Bishop, to undergo "conversion" or "repairative" therapy. While everyone had the best intentions at heart, they didn’t understand the agony and damage this therapy would cause. For three years, my therapist was the only person I felt I could talk to about my “sinful nature.” He was a kind and loving man who thought he was serving God by following the Mormon Church’s instructions. Sadly, my sexuality was ignored by my father, mother, and the Church over the next three years in hopes the therapist could "solve the problem.” I felt shame and disgrace because of my same-sex attractions. I could hardly face my family. I put all my hopes into my therapist’s professional capabilities to “cure” my condition. Yet, all his efforts were in vain. The continual motivation to “repair” me only created more hopelessness. I was longing to end my life. I just wanted it all to end now! Finally, to my complete surprise, my therapist admitted that he was wrong to try and change my sexuality. He realized what distress he had caused me over the three years of conversion therapy. He told me at our last meeting that I should fall in love and live a happy life with someone I deeply care about. I was completely amazed! After so long, he told me what I always knew to be true—be true to myself and there I will find happiness. Today, it astonishes me just how long it took him to finally come to this realization, especially as a licensed therapist.